Revealing a dark, painful time

The lights on my blog have been dark for several weeks now. That is fitting, because it matches the mood I have been in.

BLUF (Bottom line up front): It looks like I am finally leaving N.C., after being stuck here for four months.

Readers will recall that I was originally slated to finish my training with my shipmates in early July, after which the group would travel to Afghanistan. Less than two hours before boarding the plane I was pulled from the flight, and had only five minutes to say goodbye to my shipmates.

I took that in stride as much as I was able, even though I couldn’t understand the reasons behind the decisions. “Ours is not to reason why” is what I tried to keep uppermost in mind.

Months passed and then, a week before my 4 November departure date, I learned that I would suffer another delay, albeit only two weeks this time. This seemingly endless cycle of being stuck midway – not home and not deployed – plunged me into the deepest, darkest mood imaginable. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, didn’t want to update my blog, and didn’t want to do much of anything.

And I didn’t want to vent all this negativity to the world.

It got to where I couldn’t bear to go home or have my family come to visit. The series of goodbyes were a strain on everyone. Even worse was when I faced the echoing emptiness here in N.C. after a visit home or a family trip here. It was as if contact with “home” doubly emphasized the loneliness I felt here. I would get angrier and angrier watching everyone in my office going about their normal lives, knowing they went home to family and friends each night. I had been pulled out of my life but I still wasn’t where I was “supposed” to be, and I couldn’t go about my normal day. “Useless” doesn’t begin to describe the hopeless feeling.

The curtain will slide over my anguish after this short revelation.

In the next few days I expect to actually leave N.C., at last. I’ve still anticipated hearing about another delay, but it appears that I will really go this time. Time will tell. My next blog update should be from overseas.